My Messy life
Messy lives
Like I have said, life is a strange mess of feelings and emotions that no one has yet to explain. So this is going to be a place where I write things that I generally thought about and wanted to talk about...or type I guess. I delete these after uploading 3/4 days depending on how long they are.
Tuesday 28.04.2020
Nostalgia hit me hard today, I got the sudden realisation that I am going to be 18 soon. This also means half of the things I generally loved aren't as relevant in today's society as they were when I was growing up. I know I won't be the only person who has felt this sudden wave of nostalgia but this really made me realise that our existence is still unexplained and we are living just for our own purposes! We have no real reason why we are here and all we are ever told is to enjoy it. But life isn't that simple and we all can think of at least one thing that we wish ended up differently but we also know that we can never change it and most usually use this to be better if it happens again. Now with nostalgia, in my opinion, it's very difficult to decipher as you can feel such a range of emotions when looking back on everything. In one aspect of it you could be indescribably happy but in another it may cause an existential crisis. With the world being in an utter panic over the latest pandemic, Covid19, it is really difficult to just exist and be as good as we can be without a purpose for our everyday lives. So I guess here, I am telling you to make the most whatever situation you've got caught in. And I know Some are far worse than others and we need to support whatever that is, but this is the best time to reflect on anything you've forgotten about, make a change to be as helpful in any situation you face now, or later.
Thursday 30.04.2020 (Long one sorry)
Okay, being in quarantine has really given me some time to look back at everything and finally focus on what I want to be and where I want to go in my life, as up until now it never really seemed that important. Growing up I was the typical mam (mom, mum) of the friendship groups I was a part of. This was great until it started to take time away from what I really needed to be focusing on, things like exams, family, college and job applications and various other habits I was trying to hold on to like writing, climbing, and drawing. I still haven't broken this though, despite realising that when I ignore everything it doesn't work. I have always been that weird kid in the corner who sticks out due to her messy personality. You see i have many different aspects of myself, I can be a multitude of stereotypes and I've never really felt like I was really all there. Don't get me wrong I love my friends and family (even the bigots who basically used me for years). But until this, well last, year I never really had a group to call 'my own' sure I had a few mates who stuck around for the majority of things I went through but I was always side lined in group activities. People said it was because I carried drama and secrets wherever I went, and yeah I did because everyone came to me with an issue they had and wanted an opinion to. So evidently I became the issue when a problem occurred. Now this didn't really change who I was as I carried on helping and giving my opinion on things but really did have an effect on my social interaction. This changed drastically as I went into college as I had no solid friend group most of my time was spent aimlessly wandering corridors. Thankfully this changed and I'm not only socially accepted now but also feel as though I actually belong in my group. I guess my point is that in primary and comprehensive school you're kind of just thrown together with people and need to make friends with who seems to sort of fit your personality but when your get older you may change and find new people who you can really connect with.
Friday 01.05.2020 (kinda long)
This one is a serious one, I guess. Now I have been dealing with depression for years, I have it, and many of the people around me do too. It has taken me so long to realise that I am not alone with what I'm going through because when I am depressed I feel totally alone, like I am a burden to everyone I am around, the smallest thing can set it off sometimes and leave me feeling so pathetic. Personally, I haven't found something to 'cure' my depression, I've had counselling, done the whole mood diary, tried and failed at mindfulness and the medication just didn't touch it. When I am going through it I literally lock myself away from everyone. In social situations, like in college, I completely zone out and my friends literally have to snap me out of it. But what I do is rely on escapism. I force myself to read book, write something or watch video that I can simply imagine things were better and it settles me for a while. Or I venture out to literally anywhere just to be away from everything that is causing a panic. But the one thing I will say is this isn't gone overnight. If I fall into a depressive episode it can last anywhere from a week or two to like a year, and the way I deal with it is special to me. This works for me because of the type of depression I have. This depression comes from my anxiety and really low self-esteem and confidence. So if something makes me feel self-conscious or pressured i have to distract myself. This might be something you want to try but it is not the best way around it as you're never directly addressing the issue and you're really just ignoring it. Don't use this as a reference or take it as a fact as I am definitely not a professional and I am just sharing my story.