It was Him

There comes a time where you no longer recognise someone you believed you knew so well. You enjoyed their company and shared their laughs but you no longer look at them the same and believe you never will again. This isn't entirely true; your opinion can change but your memories of them won't. It was almost magical having the memories that I held so dear to remain even if He didn't because it's not HimI miss; it's the memories and the laughs. I never liked being alone and yet a sort of serendipity came with it now. It was a euphoric feeling that would overwhelm the simplest of souls but I thought I needed Him and that was the promise. "If you need me no matter where you are, if you still know me or not I'll be there". I'm the epitome of a young child, crushed by the hands of time and that of which the breath-taking wonders of the world has suffocated.

It's not that wonderful smile I miss but the seemingly delicate words that would flow from it when we were in public. It's not the dirty, dead, looks I miss but the ironic gentility He would approach with, the feeling of his hands gingerly engulfing mine and then dragging me around like a doll. It's definitely not the stormy scene that would play in His eyes that seemed to cloud over when He found me. Or maybe it's the confusing feeling overwhelming me with a loss I never felt, after leaving. The deep and tragic knowledge of now being alone and knowing it. Forced to face the world entirely alone. That word. Just that one; alone. The mere adjective that seems to now control my life. So much pain caused by empty words abandoned promises and unrequited love. Love; a word that no one alive knows the meaning of. A feeling and emotion yet a mental state that even the smartest and most intellectual of us suffer from. It's almost like a disease spread by selfishness, I can't believe I sunk so low as to feel it myself. I'm a stray animal to the world now, abandoned by those that claimed to care, ignored by the ones who were once my world, beaten for love and happiness. Our love once a titanium shell for me to fill with the wonders we share has now turned rotten and been crushed by you. We wrote our own story of Romeo and Juliet, and you were the dagger that took life away from me. Who knew a simple name could motivate such fear in someone, four simple letters with only one syllable and yet I was captivated by the simplicity.

Now, I'm stuck...trapped in these walls that He once crumbled. My entire life is now sprawled on pieces of paper that are surrounding me, old prescriptions and bank statements. I have become a prisoner of my own mind because of His mistakes. Even the whitest rose has a black shadow. I was never going to be accepted. I know that. There were so many who would laugh and bully me. Clingy, Emotional, Needy, Annoying, Worthless, and depressed were just some of the words He would call me. When I make a mistake I know it, I feel it, I lose sleep to it, I pull myself apart because of what happened and when I say sorry I mean it, I hurt Him. By hurting Him I hurt myself, literally, I can't change what I have done I know and I tried my absolute hardest to not do it. But He Left me and after begging Him to stay He laughed more and more. I really did love Him and it's not something I said just to keep Him around. I meant it. All of it because without Him my world will end. But He deserved to be happy even if it meant hurting me, daily. Something clicked in me that day, the day He just laughed at the pain.